Polysecure

(by Jessica Fern)

I feel like a few years ago it seemed like everyone was reading books about attachment theory and its application to romantic relationships in adulthood, but I didn’t read any of those because pop-psychology is generally not my thing and also because I am not particularly interested in relationship advice with a heteronormative and/or mononormative slant. This book aims to explore adult attachment theory through a nonmonogamous (and specifically polyamorous) lens, and I’d been meaning to read it since it first came out but hadn’t gotten around to it. Then my husband listened to the audiobook, and that was the nudge I needed to get the print book from the library: better late than never!

The book starts with an introduction to attachment theory, continues with a discussion of “the nested model of attachment and trauma,” moves on to a discussion of nonmonogamy, and finishes with practical advice for a) cultivating secure attachments in polyamorous relationships and b) cultivating a secure attachment with oneself. Fern’s writing feels very clear and conversational; I like the way she gives bullet points of statements that someone with a given attachment style might make. (Some of which feel, um, extremely familiar to me. Like: “My autonomy, independence, and self-sufficiency are very important to me”; “I am very sensitive to any signs that my partner is trying to control me or interfere with my freedom in any way (and I don’t like the word “sensitive”)”; “I do well with the transition from being together with people to then being alone again, but once I’ve been alone for a while I can be slow to warm up to others.”)

In terms of the practical advice offered in the last part of the book, some of it feels obvious but sometimes being reminded of the obvious is nice. I like Kim Keane’s list of ways that people in nonmonogamous relationships “can demonstrate commitment to their partners”, and I like Fern’s HEART acronym as a reminder to think about things like expressing delight or cultivating attunement, and the way that she says this framework can be applied to one’s relationship with oneself, not just relationships with others.